What lies within.
Right now, there's a sense of numbness. I’m reflecting on this as a very old holding pattern I have and possibly the deeper reasons that could have attracted me to this Rite of Passage. I'm noticing how scarcity and invisibility manifest in my life. This awareness also extends to my previous six year relationship, where I felt the need to compromise my values to meet expectations. It's interesting to explore the emotions surrounding the end of that relationship, sitting in a space of anger, empowerment, and realisation of being used. I can now see the patterns of self-sacrifice and people-pleasing that characterised the beginning of the relationship—acts that I mistook for humbleness and love. However, the absence of boundaries made it slippery territory, leading to codependency and a lack of awareness of the damage being caused.
Currently, I find myself in a state of what feels like a shattered psyche or a defeated spirit. I know I will recover, but for now, this numbness persists. I'm examining the scarcity mindset, playing small, and feeling invisible in relation to money. I realize that this impacts not only my financial life but also my relationships, friendships, and overall fulfillment. It's an immense realization that I have been selling myself short.
I recently expressed to my ex-partner that I no longer settle for scraps and deserve more. This confirmation needs to come from within, affirming that I must follow my path and speak my truth. The deterioration of our relationship two years ago occurred when I stopped suppressing my self-expression and ceased enabling their behavior. As I embraced my truth, the relationship dynamics shifted, leading to clashes and revealing deep wounds. This has become increasingly clear over the past year and a half, leaving me questioning the sacrifices I've made and the impact of my actions.
Growing up in a tumultuous environment, I became the peacekeeper, always trying to appease and dampen the explosive energy around me. This trauma response, rooted in people-pleasing and serving others, has been ingrained in me. While being selfless and of service can be beautiful, the trauma overlay has prevented me from finding a balance where I can give and serve without losing myself. The only space where I've been able to maintain that equilibrium is in my dance work. There, I feel a deep connection, calmness, contentment, and peace. Dancing allows me to hold space, explore my own journey, and offer that space to others without losing myself.
As a mental health practitioner, I also serve in my work, but I have strong boundaries in that context. It's in love, relationships, and friendships that the trauma response takes over, leading me to believe that serving and giving are the only ways to stay safe. This mindset creates deep distrust in the world, fueling fear, anxiety, and a sense of insecurity in simply existing.